CAREER TIPS
Excerpted from my forthcoming self-help business book Rise Like a Bird: How to Soar to CEO
Tip #11: If you’ve learned anything from Tips 9 and 10, it’s to be an animal.
You can and should be an office rat, mole, mole-rat and chameleon. But you should also be a tiger, a bear, a dog – definitely a dog who obeys his master, a weasel, a shark, a snake and any other cliché found in the animal kingdom that will help you get ahead in the corporate kingdom. Being a sloth, slug, lesser panda or pink fairy armadillo won’t help. In some way, shape, or form of an animal, you need to be tenacious without actually doing too much actual work. After all, being too productive would only get you so far and encourage your boss to dump more work on you, therefore not allowing you time to do what’s truly necessary to climb the ladder. A ladder you’ll climb on all fours, of course.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Monday, August 24, 2009
Twentieth Edition - August '09
CAREER TIPS
Excerpted from my forthcoming self-help business book Rise Like a Bird: How to Soar to CEO
Excerpted from my forthcoming self-help business book Rise Like a Bird: How to Soar to CEO
Tip #10: Be the Office Chameleon Too
You love your boss. So much so, you’d send him carnations on Valentine’s Day if it didn’t come across as creepy. But things change. People come and go. Companies reorganize. So what if your beloved boss departs or there’s a shuffling of people atop your company? Now you have a new boss. How do you respond? The answer is simple: right from the start, you love your new boss just as much. You adapt to the new order with the same amount of forced enthusiasm you always have. Let’s say, for example, your old boss was all about being environmentally responsible. You too embraced that with the strength of an elephant’s trunk. You recycled everything. You worked by candlelight. And you only flushed the toilet every other time. And let’s say your new boss is the polar opposite. He couldn’t care less about Mother Earth. You need to be just as callous as he is. When you’re walking back from lunch with him, you need to throw your beverage – cup, cap and straw – on the ground. Better yet, aim for a bush or flowerbed. If your boss is Jewish, convert and invite him to your Passover Seder. If your new boss is an anti-Semite, become one too. This is corporate Darwinism at its purist. You change your colors to fit your boss’s, even if it means doing an about face, and ultimately, the color you’ll be bathed in is a lot more green.
Monday, March 9, 2009
Nineteenth Edition - March '09
CAREER TIP
Excerpted from my forthcoming self-help business book Rise Like a Bird: How to Soar to CEO
Tip #9: Be the Office Rat or Office Mole or Office Mole-Rat
You’ve probably heard no one likes a tattletale. You’ve also heard there are always exceptions. In the case of liking tattletales, bosses are exceptions. They love having a tattler provide information, especially when it’s the names of unhappy employees. Bosses want a pair of eyes and ears in the hallway and bathroom stalls. And by being the office rat with eagle eyes and rabbit ears, you do so much more than embody the image of a strange-looking creature. You provide useful information and, more importantly, show where your loyalty lies. You show genuine concern for your boss’s happiness and your company’s well being. This devotion will not go unnoticed or unrewarded. In fact, you’re not just elevating your status with your boss, but you’re also bringing others down, which elevates you even more. The raises and promotions they don’t receive, thanks to the information you provide, means more in the pot and more opportunity for you. So get on all fours, and give your boss what he or she wants.
Excerpted from my forthcoming self-help business book Rise Like a Bird: How to Soar to CEO
Tip #9: Be the Office Rat or Office Mole or Office Mole-Rat
You’ve probably heard no one likes a tattletale. You’ve also heard there are always exceptions. In the case of liking tattletales, bosses are exceptions. They love having a tattler provide information, especially when it’s the names of unhappy employees. Bosses want a pair of eyes and ears in the hallway and bathroom stalls. And by being the office rat with eagle eyes and rabbit ears, you do so much more than embody the image of a strange-looking creature. You provide useful information and, more importantly, show where your loyalty lies. You show genuine concern for your boss’s happiness and your company’s well being. This devotion will not go unnoticed or unrewarded. In fact, you’re not just elevating your status with your boss, but you’re also bringing others down, which elevates you even more. The raises and promotions they don’t receive, thanks to the information you provide, means more in the pot and more opportunity for you. So get on all fours, and give your boss what he or she wants.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Eighteenth Edition - January '09
CAREER TIP
Excerpted from my forthcoming self-help business book Rise Like a Bird: How to Soar to CEO
Tip #8: Just Delegate It
“Just Do It” is a good mantra for someone sporting mesh running sneakers and trying to reach the top of a hill. But what if you’re wearing leather dress shoes and trying to reach the corner office? You want to delegate. Nothing says senior management level more than delegating. Except for perhaps taking credit for the work you delegated. Which we’ll get to momentarily. There are two ways to approach the task of delegating (yes, call it a task, so you feel good about making it seem like work). One way is to do delegate openly. Let everyone know you’re assuming a managerial role. Even if, technically, you’re not in a position to manage anyone else, you’ll appear like you are by assigning work to someone at, or below, your level. Assignments are, after all, for assigning, right? The other way to delegate is to let everyone assume you’re actually taking on the work while, in reality, you’re having someone else do it for you. The former approach lets colleagues know you’re ready to take on a management role with great enthusiasm. You’re going above and beyond your duties by passing off your duties. And every boss loves someone who will go above and beyond his or her job description. The latter approach to delegating, on the other hand, allows you to take credit for work while honing your management skills. All you have to do is ask someone, claiming you’re too swamped and/or letting this someone know he or she is perfect for the project. Flattery is very effective. From there, you just do periodic check-ins, staying involved as much as you have to, but not to the point of doing any real, substantive work. If the person does an outstanding job, you can then claim credit for doing (managing) it. You simply make very liberal use of the pronoun “we” when discussing who worked on the project. Now, if he or she underperforms, you can avoid blame and shift it to the person who did the work. Because actually doing work means producing something for colleagues or clients to judge. So why do that when you can delegate? Not only will you still get credit or avoid blame, you’ll be promoted to a position to actually oversee people. Eventually, you’ll oversee an entire company’s worth of people doing work.
SPAM OF THE DAY
"Your insatiable chick will be full of pleasure"
From Autumn Whitney
Excerpted from my forthcoming self-help business book Rise Like a Bird: How to Soar to CEO
Tip #8: Just Delegate It
“Just Do It” is a good mantra for someone sporting mesh running sneakers and trying to reach the top of a hill. But what if you’re wearing leather dress shoes and trying to reach the corner office? You want to delegate. Nothing says senior management level more than delegating. Except for perhaps taking credit for the work you delegated. Which we’ll get to momentarily. There are two ways to approach the task of delegating (yes, call it a task, so you feel good about making it seem like work). One way is to do delegate openly. Let everyone know you’re assuming a managerial role. Even if, technically, you’re not in a position to manage anyone else, you’ll appear like you are by assigning work to someone at, or below, your level. Assignments are, after all, for assigning, right? The other way to delegate is to let everyone assume you’re actually taking on the work while, in reality, you’re having someone else do it for you. The former approach lets colleagues know you’re ready to take on a management role with great enthusiasm. You’re going above and beyond your duties by passing off your duties. And every boss loves someone who will go above and beyond his or her job description. The latter approach to delegating, on the other hand, allows you to take credit for work while honing your management skills. All you have to do is ask someone, claiming you’re too swamped and/or letting this someone know he or she is perfect for the project. Flattery is very effective. From there, you just do periodic check-ins, staying involved as much as you have to, but not to the point of doing any real, substantive work. If the person does an outstanding job, you can then claim credit for doing (managing) it. You simply make very liberal use of the pronoun “we” when discussing who worked on the project. Now, if he or she underperforms, you can avoid blame and shift it to the person who did the work. Because actually doing work means producing something for colleagues or clients to judge. So why do that when you can delegate? Not only will you still get credit or avoid blame, you’ll be promoted to a position to actually oversee people. Eventually, you’ll oversee an entire company’s worth of people doing work.
SPAM OF THE DAY
"Your insatiable chick will be full of pleasure"
From Autumn Whitney
Friday, October 24, 2008
Seventeeth Edition - October '08
REALLY SHORT FILM
CAREER TIP
Excerpted from my forthcoming self-help business book Rise Like a Bird: How to Soar to CEO
Tip #7: Don’t Take Vacation. “Work from Home" Instead.
When you started your job, you were given a certain amount of vacation. Probably two or three weeks. You probably received a few personal days as well and quite possibly a floating holiday. Not to mention the day off after Thanksgiving to go Christmas shopping and, if you work north of the Mason-Dixon Line, Presidents’ Day to go mattress shopping. It seemed as though your company wanted you to take off time. But the fact is, if you want to move up in the world, or at least in your company, you can’t take time off. Even if it’s seemingly owed you, you can’t take it. If you take vacation, and suddenly, during your time off, things get busy and your boss looks for you, it will be held against you. Your boss will think you’re always on vacation and will remember these days far more than the days you worked double time. So, other than work constantly, what can you do? It’s simple. Tell your boss and other colleagues you’re going to “Work from Home.” Even if you’re really going to Vegas, call from your BlackBerry first thing each morning to say you’re going to “Work from Home.” Also say, “I’ll get more done” and make some vague reference to a very personal issue you need to take care of. Just make sure you call from a quiet spot in the “house.” You don’t want your boss to hear the slot machines ringing in the background. And make sure you do have a BlackBerry or similar, email-enabled device. You’ll be able to send emails and let everyone know you’re on top of work, not Vail. By the end of the year, you should have “Worked from Home” 15 days or so and taken zero vacation days. You’ll be known as a tireless worker, one who works even when you have a very personal issue to take care of. And you’ll be in prime position for a promotion. Furthermore, if you’re one of the fortunate few working for a company that pays out unused vacation days, you’ll get a nice little bonus from working so hard from home.
CAREER TIP
Excerpted from my forthcoming self-help business book Rise Like a Bird: How to Soar to CEO
Tip #7: Don’t Take Vacation. “Work from Home" Instead.
When you started your job, you were given a certain amount of vacation. Probably two or three weeks. You probably received a few personal days as well and quite possibly a floating holiday. Not to mention the day off after Thanksgiving to go Christmas shopping and, if you work north of the Mason-Dixon Line, Presidents’ Day to go mattress shopping. It seemed as though your company wanted you to take off time. But the fact is, if you want to move up in the world, or at least in your company, you can’t take time off. Even if it’s seemingly owed you, you can’t take it. If you take vacation, and suddenly, during your time off, things get busy and your boss looks for you, it will be held against you. Your boss will think you’re always on vacation and will remember these days far more than the days you worked double time. So, other than work constantly, what can you do? It’s simple. Tell your boss and other colleagues you’re going to “Work from Home.” Even if you’re really going to Vegas, call from your BlackBerry first thing each morning to say you’re going to “Work from Home.” Also say, “I’ll get more done” and make some vague reference to a very personal issue you need to take care of. Just make sure you call from a quiet spot in the “house.” You don’t want your boss to hear the slot machines ringing in the background. And make sure you do have a BlackBerry or similar, email-enabled device. You’ll be able to send emails and let everyone know you’re on top of work, not Vail. By the end of the year, you should have “Worked from Home” 15 days or so and taken zero vacation days. You’ll be known as a tireless worker, one who works even when you have a very personal issue to take care of. And you’ll be in prime position for a promotion. Furthermore, if you’re one of the fortunate few working for a company that pays out unused vacation days, you’ll get a nice little bonus from working so hard from home.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Sixteenth Edition - May '08
REALLY SHORT FILM
CAREER TIP
Excerpted from my forthcoming self-help business book Rise Like a Bird: How to Soar to CEO
Tip #6: Send Work Emails Late at Night
You've already stayed at work until 8 pm playing video games and trolling Facebook. It's time to go home. But it's not time to completely shut down the computer. There's still work to be done, or at least work email. So if you don't have a home computer, bring home your work laptop. And if you don't have a home computer or a work laptop, bring home your work desktop and make sure you have a cable modem. Computer access at home is crucial to career advancement. You see, arriving early and staying late at work tells people you're the hardest working person in the company. By sending your boss and other colleagues work-related emails late at night (11 pm is good, 2 am starts to get creepy), you give them the impression that you are the hardest working person on earth. Now beyond simply sending the email, it's imperative you mention "the email I sent at 11:14 last night" the following morning. There are two reasons for this: one, you can't be sure your boss and colleagues noticed the time at which the email was sent, unless you mention how late it is as a way to open the body of the email. For example, "Dearest colleagues, it's 11:14 pm, and most of you are probably asleep or watching Leno, but I am still thinking about the project and want to make sure you remember we have a meeting tomorrow morning at 10. See you there." Even if you do mention it in the email, it can never hurt to mention it in person as well. The second reason? By following up, you portray yourself as thorough, responsible and concerned about the company's success – a person poised for the next level. In effect, your late night email meeting reminder is really a reminder to your boss to promote you.
PRODUCT RECALL
Smart Car
The Smart fortwo, recently introduced to the American auto market, is being recalled for safety reasons. This recall follows a rash of accidents involving the Smart car, the likes of which have never been seen. In one report, what was believed to be a pancaked Coke can turned out to be a red Smart car. It was discovered by a roadside clean up crew. A witness to the crush and run accident eventually came forward, saying the perpetrator was driving a late-model, gold-colored Toyota Corolla.
NOW ON EXHIBIT @ THE CONTEMPORARY MUSEUM OF CONTEMPORARY ART
CAREER TIP
Excerpted from my forthcoming self-help business book Rise Like a Bird: How to Soar to CEO
Tip #6: Send Work Emails Late at Night
You've already stayed at work until 8 pm playing video games and trolling Facebook. It's time to go home. But it's not time to completely shut down the computer. There's still work to be done, or at least work email. So if you don't have a home computer, bring home your work laptop. And if you don't have a home computer or a work laptop, bring home your work desktop and make sure you have a cable modem. Computer access at home is crucial to career advancement. You see, arriving early and staying late at work tells people you're the hardest working person in the company. By sending your boss and other colleagues work-related emails late at night (11 pm is good, 2 am starts to get creepy), you give them the impression that you are the hardest working person on earth. Now beyond simply sending the email, it's imperative you mention "the email I sent at 11:14 last night" the following morning. There are two reasons for this: one, you can't be sure your boss and colleagues noticed the time at which the email was sent, unless you mention how late it is as a way to open the body of the email. For example, "Dearest colleagues, it's 11:14 pm, and most of you are probably asleep or watching Leno, but I am still thinking about the project and want to make sure you remember we have a meeting tomorrow morning at 10. See you there." Even if you do mention it in the email, it can never hurt to mention it in person as well. The second reason? By following up, you portray yourself as thorough, responsible and concerned about the company's success – a person poised for the next level. In effect, your late night email meeting reminder is really a reminder to your boss to promote you.
PRODUCT RECALL
Smart Car
The Smart fortwo, recently introduced to the American auto market, is being recalled for safety reasons. This recall follows a rash of accidents involving the Smart car, the likes of which have never been seen. In one report, what was believed to be a pancaked Coke can turned out to be a red Smart car. It was discovered by a roadside clean up crew. A witness to the crush and run accident eventually came forward, saying the perpetrator was driving a late-model, gold-colored Toyota Corolla.
NOW ON EXHIBIT @ THE CONTEMPORARY MUSEUM OF CONTEMPORARY ART
“House of the Rising Sun Before Sun Rise"
By Marcel Frost, American, b. 1972
White acrylic on canvas
When Frost visited Japan, it was love at first sight. "I can't believe we bombed these people. They gave us the Walkman," he said. Frost found the nightlife particularly intoxicating, perhaps because of the sake. "They work hard, but they play even harder. Tokyo is truly a city that never sleeps. It may look like their eyes are closed, but they're not." Frost's racist comment was largely ignored and dismissed as typical of Americans. His masterpiece honoring the people and nightlife, however, was widely embraced.
MY INTERVIEW WITH HILLARY CLINTON IF I WERE TO INTERVIEW HER
If you become President, will you redecorate the Ova, I mean Oval Office?
No.
Will you ever wear a blue dress in the White House?
I wear suits.
Won't being in the White House bring back painful memories of Monica Lewinsky going down…
(interrupting) No, Bill was unfaithful before then. But I stood by my ticket to higher political office.
And your ticket stood by you. There's speculation that Bill kept coming to your defense early on, because he secretly supported Obama.
That's absurd.
He supposedly wanted to give the American people the impression that you can't stand up for yourself.
I don't believe that for a second.
Well the junior senator is leading.
We'll see what happens.
Don't you think you should pull out of the race for the good of the Democratic party? Especially since Obama has the nomination all but wrapped up.
Not at all.
You'd rather keep the party divided which will help McCain beat Obama, so you can run as the Democratic candidate in 2012?
Yes.
You are the more experienced politician, aren't you?
Yes, thank you for acknowledging that.
It wasn't a compliment.
It wasn't?
No, so Hillary in 2012.
That's right. Don't stop thinking about tomorrow.
POEM
"Holy Chicago"
Holy Chicago!
The weather here sucks.
It's 40 on May 27.
Seriously, what the f@#%?
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Fifteenth Edition - February '08
REALLY SHORT FILM
CAREER TIP
Excerpted from my forthcoming self-help business book Rise Like a Bird: How to Soar to CEO
Tip #5: Arrive Early and Work Late. Or At Least Stay Late.
It’s one thing to be the first in the office or the last to leave. It’s quite another to be both. It really makes you stand out. And it says a few things about you. For one, it says you have no family life. Secondly, it says you have no life period. But lastly, and most importantly, it says you are a hard-working, dedicated employee. You are married to your work. And for this wholehearted commitment, for putting the fruits of your labor above the fruits of your loins, you will be rewarded. Now what makes being the first in and the last to leave even better is the fact that you don’t have to actually work hard. Your physical, if not mental, presence simply gives your bosses the impression that you are working – and working hard – even if you’re not really working at all. Once that image of being both the office cock (rooster) to get things going in the morning and the night owl (Who…who? You!) toiling away at his desk is etched in your bosses’ brains, you’re set. Even if all you’re doing is playing Bejeweled at the beginning and end of the day, that’s fine as long as no one knows. The point is you’re there, presumably working, and that means you are dedicated not just to your career but to your company. And a double dose of dedication can help you go a long way.
PRODUCT RECALL
Pfizer’s Lipitor and Viagra Advertising
While Pfizer’s Lipitor and Viagra products remain available, the commercials for these products are being pulled from the air. The Lipitor commercial featuring Robert Jarvik, co-inventor of the Jarvik-7 artificial heart, has been pulled for two reasons: one, Jarvik is not licensed to practice medicine and therefore allowed to dispense medical advice. Two, the commercial, like most pharmaceutical advertising, is quite lame. It is for this second reason Pfizer is also pulling its Viva Viagra commercials. The annoying bastardization of the classic Elvis song “Viva Las Vegas” has been sticking in people’s heads for four or more hours, causing them to seek migraine medication from some company other than Pfizer.
NOW ON EXHIBIT @ THE CONTEMPORARY MUSEUM OF CONTEMPORARY ART
“Cool Whip Extra Creamy"
By Marcel Frost, American, b. 1972
White acrylic and Cool Whip smudges on canvas
Frost stepped away from his studio for a much-needed sabbatical, and during that time, he had the chance to reflect on his life and recount his childhood. Fond memories of Cool Whip Extra Creamy surfaced on numerous occasions. Of it, Frost commented, “Fearing we’d do whip-its even though we were too young to know what whip-its are, my mother used Cool Whip Extra Creamy instead of whip cream. I put spoonfuls of the Cool Whip on my raspberry pie, brownie sundae and rosy nipples, even as a youngster. I loved it. And despite the challenge, I had to paint it.” While the smooth, creamy texture may not come through on the canvas quite the way Frost hoped, he undoubtedly captured the richness and purity of the color. “I could taste it while I worked, most likely because I was eating it right off a spoon,” said Frost.
MY INTERVIEW WITH ROGER CLEMENS IF I WERE TO INTERVIEW HIM
(Roger speaks before I can ask my first question) Let me start by saying I never used steroids or HGTV.
You mean HGH.
Yeah, HGH. Never happened.
Well I’m not here to rehash everything you’ve already said. Nor am I here to point out all the inconsistencies between what you told Mike Wallace on 60 Minutes and what you told Congress on The Squandering of Tax Dollars.
Good.
I’m here to ask the questions that haven’t been asked.
They’ve all been asked, and I’ve answered them all truthfully.
Your former trainer Brian McNamee…
Liar.
...he said your Spanish-speaking nanny was wearing a peach bikini at Jose Canseco’s ‘Roid Rave. How’d she look?
I haven’t been asked that. I don’t remember the peach bikini, but I do remember this little red number with white polka dots she used to wear while doing the dishes.
Interesting. Red and white. Reminds me of a target. Speaking of which, you said former President Bush found you in a deer blind in Texas.
He did.
Was Vice President Cheney with you?
No, he wasn’t.
Lucky for you. His aim isn’t nearly as good as yours is on the mound.
And you know why I throw so good? Hard work. No steroids or HG…
H.
HGH. The only things I took were B-12, lidocaine and Vioxx.
We know. On 60 Minutes, you said you “took Vioxx like it was Skittles, and then they say it’s bad for your heart.”
I did.
Vioxx obviously didn’t pay you for a product endorsement, but did Skittles? I love Skittles.
No, but they should. Everyone should pay me. That lying trainer’s gonna pay. Me and Rusty are gonna sue the crap out of him for defaming me.
Rusty’s your lawyer, correct?
Rusty Hardin.
Are there lawyers named Rusty outside Texas?
I don’t know, but I know I didn’t take steroids or HGH.
Of course you didn’t, OJ, I mean Roger.
POEM
"Washing Away Sin"
Sin.
Repent.
Repeat.
This week's unofficial sponsor is Kraft, makers of Cool Whip and other food-like products since long before you knew how bad they are for you.
CAREER TIP
Excerpted from my forthcoming self-help business book Rise Like a Bird: How to Soar to CEO
Tip #5: Arrive Early and Work Late. Or At Least Stay Late.
It’s one thing to be the first in the office or the last to leave. It’s quite another to be both. It really makes you stand out. And it says a few things about you. For one, it says you have no family life. Secondly, it says you have no life period. But lastly, and most importantly, it says you are a hard-working, dedicated employee. You are married to your work. And for this wholehearted commitment, for putting the fruits of your labor above the fruits of your loins, you will be rewarded. Now what makes being the first in and the last to leave even better is the fact that you don’t have to actually work hard. Your physical, if not mental, presence simply gives your bosses the impression that you are working – and working hard – even if you’re not really working at all. Once that image of being both the office cock (rooster) to get things going in the morning and the night owl (Who…who? You!) toiling away at his desk is etched in your bosses’ brains, you’re set. Even if all you’re doing is playing Bejeweled at the beginning and end of the day, that’s fine as long as no one knows. The point is you’re there, presumably working, and that means you are dedicated not just to your career but to your company. And a double dose of dedication can help you go a long way.
PRODUCT RECALL
Pfizer’s Lipitor and Viagra Advertising
While Pfizer’s Lipitor and Viagra products remain available, the commercials for these products are being pulled from the air. The Lipitor commercial featuring Robert Jarvik, co-inventor of the Jarvik-7 artificial heart, has been pulled for two reasons: one, Jarvik is not licensed to practice medicine and therefore allowed to dispense medical advice. Two, the commercial, like most pharmaceutical advertising, is quite lame. It is for this second reason Pfizer is also pulling its Viva Viagra commercials. The annoying bastardization of the classic Elvis song “Viva Las Vegas” has been sticking in people’s heads for four or more hours, causing them to seek migraine medication from some company other than Pfizer.
NOW ON EXHIBIT @ THE CONTEMPORARY MUSEUM OF CONTEMPORARY ART
“Cool Whip Extra Creamy"By Marcel Frost, American, b. 1972
White acrylic and Cool Whip smudges on canvas
Frost stepped away from his studio for a much-needed sabbatical, and during that time, he had the chance to reflect on his life and recount his childhood. Fond memories of Cool Whip Extra Creamy surfaced on numerous occasions. Of it, Frost commented, “Fearing we’d do whip-its even though we were too young to know what whip-its are, my mother used Cool Whip Extra Creamy instead of whip cream. I put spoonfuls of the Cool Whip on my raspberry pie, brownie sundae and rosy nipples, even as a youngster. I loved it. And despite the challenge, I had to paint it.” While the smooth, creamy texture may not come through on the canvas quite the way Frost hoped, he undoubtedly captured the richness and purity of the color. “I could taste it while I worked, most likely because I was eating it right off a spoon,” said Frost.
MY INTERVIEW WITH ROGER CLEMENS IF I WERE TO INTERVIEW HIM
(Roger speaks before I can ask my first question) Let me start by saying I never used steroids or HGTV.
You mean HGH.
Yeah, HGH. Never happened.
Well I’m not here to rehash everything you’ve already said. Nor am I here to point out all the inconsistencies between what you told Mike Wallace on 60 Minutes and what you told Congress on The Squandering of Tax Dollars.
Good.
I’m here to ask the questions that haven’t been asked.
They’ve all been asked, and I’ve answered them all truthfully.
Your former trainer Brian McNamee…
Liar.
...he said your Spanish-speaking nanny was wearing a peach bikini at Jose Canseco’s ‘Roid Rave. How’d she look?
I haven’t been asked that. I don’t remember the peach bikini, but I do remember this little red number with white polka dots she used to wear while doing the dishes.
Interesting. Red and white. Reminds me of a target. Speaking of which, you said former President Bush found you in a deer blind in Texas.
He did.
Was Vice President Cheney with you?
No, he wasn’t.
Lucky for you. His aim isn’t nearly as good as yours is on the mound.
And you know why I throw so good? Hard work. No steroids or HG…
H.
HGH. The only things I took were B-12, lidocaine and Vioxx.
We know. On 60 Minutes, you said you “took Vioxx like it was Skittles, and then they say it’s bad for your heart.”
I did.
Vioxx obviously didn’t pay you for a product endorsement, but did Skittles? I love Skittles.
No, but they should. Everyone should pay me. That lying trainer’s gonna pay. Me and Rusty are gonna sue the crap out of him for defaming me.
Rusty’s your lawyer, correct?
Rusty Hardin.
Are there lawyers named Rusty outside Texas?
I don’t know, but I know I didn’t take steroids or HGH.
Of course you didn’t, OJ, I mean Roger.
POEM
"Washing Away Sin"
Sin.
Repent.
Repeat.
This week's unofficial sponsor is Kraft, makers of Cool Whip and other food-like products since long before you knew how bad they are for you.
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